I hate shopping. I know women are supposed to love shopping and I am a women (I think) and so should therefore love shopping but I really, really don't. I have a theory and my theory goes as such: women don't actually like shopping. They just play a game with other women to make them feel bad, "Oh, you don't like shopping? Well you're obviously not a good enough women them. You may as well be a man" before crying because they have just been invited to go on a girls shopping trip to Oxford Street*. I personally do not care for this game. I don't want to play and if I do play I will lose every time. I will NEVER like shopping (unless it is stationary shopping in which case I do like it but it doesn't count as proper women shopping). Why can't we all just agree that shopping is stupid and stop making each other feel bad? It has been said that the only reason we put on makeup and wear nice clothes is to impress other women and make them feel bad. You see it on the school run every day. There are women in high heels, skin tight jeans and fresh lick of lipstick on, there are the women who are lycra-clad and wearing trainers to show off that a) they walked to school and b) they are just off on a run now the kids are safely deposited at school and then there are the women in their pyjama bottoms with last nights dinner down their top, with an added bit of baby sick on the shoulder to add a potent smell to the look. The first too women are playing the game, the third wants to shit on the game. The third group of women are my heroes. Anyway back to shopping. I am willing to accept that there might be some women who like shopping. They make the 0.05% of 'true women' in the world. These women fall into two categories:
1. Rich women. Shopping with endless amounts is always going to be more enjoyable. For starters you never have to set foot in Primark and you don't have to continually look at the price and move hurriedly away. These women will openly pay £200 for a bra.
2. Perfectly shaped women. If you are tall, thin, boobless, all clothes will fit you. Fashion does not accept that we as a nation are obese, or even just not the same size as models. If all clothes fit you and look good on you, I am willing to accept it may be more fun.
Women that are both 1 and 2 are always going to win the game.
I have come up with a list of reasons as to why I hate shopping. Feel free to add your own.
1. Shop assistants asking me if I'm ok. Of course I'm not bloody ok, I'm shopping.
2. The embarrasment when you take 10 items into the changing room and none of them fit you. As you leave the cubicle and the shop assistant says "was everything alright?" What do you say? "No of course not, your clothes are shit".
3. Clothes in piles rather than hangers. Even if you are a size 6 and it is at the top of the pile, you still have to unfold it to see if you like it and then refold it if you don't. I don't want to spend my time folding clothes and I feel too guilty not to. Zara and Gap I am looking at you both with tears in my eyes.
4. Other people. Why are there always people getting in my way when I'm shopping.
5. Babies/children. The reason that there are so many people is because people take their children shopping with them. Why? I don't like screaming children/babies. Leave them at home, or at school, don't drag them round the shops. They hate, I hate it and I'm pretty certain you hate it too.
6. Sales. Sales should be banned full stop. They attract people, which as you can see in number 4 I don't like and you rarely find anything. The reason clothes are on sale is because nobody wants them. Even if you do find something you like, it will never be in your size. Death to sales please.
My final point is this. Never go shopping hungry. It will make your shopping trip 100 times worse. Eat lots and lots of cake before attempting shopping and constantly re-fuel.
Shopping? It's not a game I want to play. Stop kidding yourselves!!
*Oxford street is the worst possible place to go shopping. It is long, which means you have to walk many many miles to try on clothes that don't fit and it is busy, oh so very, very busy. I really hate people.