Here is Part 1
and Part 2
incase you missed them, or want to recap...
Florence began by standing where the audience should have been.
"Tonight on the show we have an unknown comedian trying to make it big. I don't think she's going to get many laughs tonight is she ladies and gentlemen?"
She moved around and pretended to be all of the audience and shouted "No!" She then moved back to the centre of the audience to resume her role as the interviewer and flung her arms out and said "Let's start the show!" Florence then turned around so that she could face her 'audience'. She held up a big picture of Amber as a child with chocolate smeared over her face.
"Oh, oh, hello everyone. We have a cracking line up for you. Tonight on the show we have one of Britain's most well respected comedians, Amber Birch. Well, at least that's what I've been told to say. I've never heard of the girl!" Florence began to laugh. "Anyway let's bring some guests on. Ladies and gentlemen it's Ammmmberrr Birch!"
Amber walked in and waved to the audience. Florence rushed over to Amber and gave her a big hug before ushering her to the sofa and sitting on her own swivel chair.
"So Amber, it's a pleasure to have you on our show. I hope you didn't mind my little joke earlier?" Florence smiled and cocked her head backwards.
"Oh, no of course not. We are new on the block as they say." Amber grinned at the 'audience' and crossed her legs awaiting the next question.
"Yes, you are. So where is your delightful partner in crime, was she too busy to come this evening? Florence asked.
"Unfortunately my darling Florence is getting her arse bleached. She has priorities that girl does!" 'Kerching' Amber thought. That was quite a witty response.
"Right, right. Ok. Now, where did you two meet? It was at school wasn't it. You two didn't hit it off straight away did you?" Florence was starting to enjoy being the interviewer. She wondered if Amber was going to mention the tray incident in her final year at school. Or just go straight to when they first started making sketches together.
"Well, it's a bit embarrasing really. Florence would kill me if I told you but we met...we met in the park one day. We live quite close you see and I saw Florence in the corner of the park sitting on the floor. I thought this was strange and she was all alone so I braved it and went over. " Florence looked thoroughly confused, whilst Amber was trying to stiffle her giggles. "I went over there and asked her if she was alright? She told me she had had a bit of an accident. I enquired as to the nature of the accident and all she could mutter was 'shit' and 'pants'. She spoke again and this time the response was clearer. 'I've shat my pants' she cried. 'I can't move'. I couldn't move either. I just sat on the floor and burst into laughter. It was frigging hilarious. I always carry around spare pants for Florence just in case!" Amber burst into laughter.
"I shat my pants did I? That's new?" A smile was starting to break on Florence's face and Amber laughter became infectious. "Imagine if that actually happened? What on earth would you do?" Florence giggled back.
"Buy a nappy?" Amber was now rolling on the floor in fits of giggles and Florence was close behind her.
"Do they sell adults nappies?" Florence enquired.
"Of course they don't you dimwit." Amber retorted.
"But I think I need one now, I'm about to pee myself" As she said that, a little bit of wee did actually come out of Florence. "It's too late, it's happened. I've actually peed myself. Oh God, help me!" Amber and Florence laughed and laughed until they were red in the face and were in serious pain. That was end of their practice interview. They probably wished they'd tried harder before the first proper one came about.
The interviewer spoke quietly. She had enquired about their name, Florence and the Douch, "Well Amber is a douch so it was obvious really and besides we both love Florence and the Machine so it was kind of a tribute to her" Florence answered. She then went on to ask when they first met. Amber took the reins and began to talk about their time at school.
"Well we didn't hit it off straight away. In fact I'm not sure Florence knew who I was for most of the time at school. Everyone knew who she was and how shit her life had had been whilst at the same time being the most popular girl at school. I was impressed, don't get me wrong, but I think she kind of used her mother's death to her advantage." A flash of anger swept over Florence's face and she clenched her fingers shut. "I don't think she did it on purpose, but come on it certainly helped her popularity. You know, I had shit going on myself, but no one cared about that". Amber knew she should stop, but she couldn't. She had never told anyone about this.
"What shit had you gone through then. You've never told me." Florence hissed back.
"Well, that's because you've never asked. No one ever did. I'm just saying, you weren't the only one with shit going on back then. You just liked to wear it on your sleeve, whereas I kept it hidden." Amber was really getting into this.
"I kept stuff hidden, you know I did." Florence was starting to tear up.
"What the abortion? Half the school knew about that. I'm suprised your dad didn't find out and kick you out." Shit, thought Amber. I've gone too far. Shit, shit shit. Why did I say that? Why? "I'm sorry I didn't mean it. Florence never had an abortion. Please don't print that, it will kill her dad. It's not true, I just made it up. I was angry." Amber was pleading with the interviewer, but she knew the damage was already done. Florence got up and stormed out of the door. Amber saw her wipe tears off her cheek. "Please don't print that, I'm begging you. Look I've got to go, but please, please I will do anything for you to not put that in the article. Florence's dad has been through too much. This lie will tear him apart." Amber could say no more. She ran after Florence but knew there was nothing she could say that could make this right again. Florence and the Douch was over before it had even started. She was a total bitch and she hated herself.
The magazine printed the article with the bit about the abortion right at the top. "Florence had secret abortion that might lead to end of Florence and the Douch before it had even started". It had been two weeks since Florence and Amber had spoken. Two episodes of their show had gone out and it was a massive hit. More and more people asked them to do interviews but until they spoke, this was not on the cards.
Amber knew she was in the wrong. Florence had no idea what she'd been through and it wasn't her fault. Amber had rung up Mr Brown, Florence's dad and apologised prefusely. He hung up on her. She tried again and again, but each time he put the phone down.
As the third week of silence loomed, Maureen decided that enough was enough. She knew that these two idiots would make her a lot of money. She was not, not, going to let them fall out and split up under her watch. She devised a Parent Trap
style meeting and practically locked them in a room, but not before she had a strong word with the pair of them.
"Amber, I don't want to sound like your teacher, or your mother, but I have never been more disappointed in you. You have let me down, you have let Florence down, and most of all, you have let yourself down. I don't know why you did what you did, but you obviously have a lot bottled up. I want you to share with Florence whatever happened back at school. You two have to get through this. Everybody loves your show and they are going to want more and more and believe you me when I say this, they will get more if it is the last thing I do. Now I'm going to go and get some coffee whilst you two sort this out. Florence I know she hurt you, but try to be open to her reasoning, please." Maureen left the room without looking back. She prayed to God they would work it out. The girls were left in silence and just as the silence was about to consume them Florence took a deep breath and broke it.
"So. Why did you do it?" Florence spoke, trying not to convey any emotion.
"I don't know." Amber replied and immediately regretted her hostile tone. "I mean, I don't know why I did it then. I snapped ok, and I'm sorry. It's always been about you. You were the popular one, you had your life ruined when your mum died and you had that abortion. You life was shit and yet you carried on, you pretended like nothing had happened."
"I didn't pretend like nothing had happened. I had to get on with my life. No one wants to be friends with the girl who keeps complaining about her life. You may have hated me for being popular, hated me for dealing with my shit, but I had to. Being popular when your life crumbles around you is horrible. Everybody new my business. Everyone wanted to give me their condolences, not because they cared, but because they knew. I'm not saying being popular didn't have its perks, of course I'm not. But don't blame my popularity, my way of dealing with my shit on what you did to me. Dad was fucking heart broken." Florence was angry and she was finding it more and more difficult to hold it back. "So why the fuck did you do it? What have I done to you that was so fucking terrible that made you want to ruin my life and ruin our career?" Florence couldn't contain the anger and screamed the last few words at Amber.
"I don't know." Amber whispered back.
"What?" Florence spat out her words.
"I said I don't fucking know." Amber tried to hold back the tears. "Look I am so fucking sorry for what I did. I have regretted it every single day. But you have to understand. I had my own shit at school and I was jealous, ok, jealous of everyone feeling sorry for you. Yes your life was shit, but so was fucking mine and I have had to deal with it on my own. People made jokes at school at it because they didn't know, they didn't mean to, but everytime it was like someone was stabbing my heart. I couldn't tell my friends. I couldn't even tell you." Amber was now sobbing. She wiped makeup and tears off her face and left smudges under her eyes. If they weren't having the biggest arguement of their lives right now, Amber and Florence would have laughed at this. They would have laughed at the panda eyes until their sides ached.
Florence couldn't care less about Amber's panda eyes. In fact she could barely look at Amber. "What can't you tell?" She said in the coldest voice she could muster.
Come back soon for Amber's big secret.